I should be wearing this badge. I want to wear this badge. Do I have the strength to wear it in my heart, and not just on my shirt?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
My Laughable Struggle
Just realised that the title "My Struggle As A Muslim" seems quite idiotic, considering that I am not suffering from any persecution, oppression, hunger or any debilitating effects of a war torn nation. I have roof over my head and regular food to fill my greedy stomach. I have my iPods and broadband connection and no one is stopping me from doing my salat. So what the freaking hell am I struggling with? Another muslim from, say, Bosnia or Iraq would most certainly laugh in derision at "My Struggle".
But mind you, I do feel it as a struggle. Perhaps my struggle is against this suffocating and intoxicating comfort that I am having everyday. I know and I've given thanks to God all so often. I've said Alhamdulillah too many times. And too many times I felt that the thanks I gave are hollow and mere echoes of habits than deep feeling of gratitude. May Allah swt have Mercy on my soul.
But mind you, I do feel it as a struggle. Perhaps my struggle is against this suffocating and intoxicating comfort that I am having everyday. I know and I've given thanks to God all so often. I've said Alhamdulillah too many times. And too many times I felt that the thanks I gave are hollow and mere echoes of habits than deep feeling of gratitude. May Allah swt have Mercy on my soul.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The Darkening
In the name of God the Most Gracious, The Merciful
when the sun is folded up
and the sky darkens
and the mountains disappear
and the pregnant camel looks after herself
and the wild beasts all come together
and the sea boils over
and each soul comes together;
and when a female buried alive is questioned
for what crime she was killed;
and when the holy Book is opened
and Heaven crashed down
and the burning fire is kindled
and Paradise is brought close
then each sould will know what it has introduced.
I witness the planets
turning vessels,
through the night as it starts to fall
and the start of the day as it lights up!
And this is the word of a noble Messenger,
someone with power and status before He who
sits on the Throne,
obedient and faithful.
Your companion is not someone who is mad,
but has seen him on the clear horizon,
He does not obstinately withhold mystery
not is it the expression of cursed Satan!
where do you go?
This is a warning for creation,
to whichever of you wishes to follow the recommended path.
But you will not will except as God wishes,
the Lord of creation!
I find this to be one of the most beautiful and powerful Sura. The translation above, I suppose, could never fully capture or reproduce the true beauty and rhythm of the original in Arabic, but the potency and force in each lines touches me deeply. Me, someone so full of shit and sins.
when the sun is folded up
and the sky darkens
and the mountains disappear
and the pregnant camel looks after herself
and the wild beasts all come together
and the sea boils over
and each soul comes together;
and when a female buried alive is questioned
for what crime she was killed;
and when the holy Book is opened
and Heaven crashed down
and the burning fire is kindled
and Paradise is brought close
then each sould will know what it has introduced.
I witness the planets
turning vessels,
through the night as it starts to fall
and the start of the day as it lights up!
And this is the word of a noble Messenger,
someone with power and status before He who
sits on the Throne,
obedient and faithful.
Your companion is not someone who is mad,
but has seen him on the clear horizon,
He does not obstinately withhold mystery
not is it the expression of cursed Satan!
where do you go?
This is a warning for creation,
to whichever of you wishes to follow the recommended path.
But you will not will except as God wishes,
the Lord of creation!
I find this to be one of the most beautiful and powerful Sura. The translation above, I suppose, could never fully capture or reproduce the true beauty and rhythm of the original in Arabic, but the potency and force in each lines touches me deeply. Me, someone so full of shit and sins.
Stock Taking
Stock taking:
Things about me that should send me to Hell:
1. At times I lied.
2. I masturbate quite often.
3. I do not pray 5 times a day (sometimes 3, 2 or even none)
4. I look at women at times with lust
5. I watch porn when I can (and quite love it)
6. I indulge in frivolous and meaningless talk and chat
7. I keep dogs at home ( does this count? something like it makes the house unsuitable for prayer and that the Angels will not come into my house?)
8. I had pre-marital sex
Things that could help me from going to Hell:
1. I do pray when I can and tried do it 5 times a day.
2. I fast in the month of Ramadhan (full)
3. I never hurt anyone or any animals ( I am kind to animals)
4. I pay my Zakat
5. I donate to the poor when I can
You can't really itemise and then say with confidence that hey I got more pluses than minus and so I am not going to hell. The problem is actually because I had not tried to better my self, in practise and in knowledge about Islam, and THAT is the biggest sin (I think). How can I add value to my life as a Muslim when I don't even know what is valuable? I am too attached to this World and that is the problem.
Things about me that should send me to Hell:
1. At times I lied.
2. I masturbate quite often.
3. I do not pray 5 times a day (sometimes 3, 2 or even none)
4. I look at women at times with lust
5. I watch porn when I can (and quite love it)
6. I indulge in frivolous and meaningless talk and chat
7. I keep dogs at home ( does this count? something like it makes the house unsuitable for prayer and that the Angels will not come into my house?)
8. I had pre-marital sex
Things that could help me from going to Hell:
1. I do pray when I can and tried do it 5 times a day.
2. I fast in the month of Ramadhan (full)
3. I never hurt anyone or any animals ( I am kind to animals)
4. I pay my Zakat
5. I donate to the poor when I can
You can't really itemise and then say with confidence that hey I got more pluses than minus and so I am not going to hell. The problem is actually because I had not tried to better my self, in practise and in knowledge about Islam, and THAT is the biggest sin (I think). How can I add value to my life as a Muslim when I don't even know what is valuable? I am too attached to this World and that is the problem.
The First Post
How do you quantify how much you have sinned since you first see daylight until the time that is now? I do not know how but what I do feel is that it is much more now than I dare to imagine. If sins can be expressed in metric, how many kilogram will mine be? Kilo tonnes? Why do I feel so sinful? Why am I doing this to myself?
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